2019 Wrap-Up | Overcoming Depression...again

Photo by Alexandria Kenyon

I'm not gonna lie…this time last year, I wasn't in the best place. I had recently weaned my youngest (who was just over a year old) from the breast at the beginning of November. The plan was to have him weaned before the beginning of November because I had plans to attend a boudoir photography conference which would be my first time being away overnight from my baby.

I don't even know how to put into words how VERY excited I was for it. I had just finished the first year of parenthood with my second (and last) son, and dude…I needed a break. This little guy refused the bottle, so I wasn't able to be away from him for more than a few hours at a time - which wasn't too big of a deal because I had committed to being a stay at home mom for his first year.

It was annoying to feel so "trapped" by his eating schedule, but I was dealing and looking forward to the day when he would wean, and I could start focusing on myself and my career goals again. I'm not content being idle, and motherhood doesn't give me the fulfillment that I think many women feel (and how I "thought" I would be), but that's a whole other story for another day. I love my kids with all my heart, so don't get me wrong.

Around his first birthday in September, he got really sick with scarlet fever and weaning was the last thing on our mind. Nursing him was the only thing I could do in those moments to bring him comfort and so, that's what I did. Gladly. Tossing my plans to be all done with breastfeeding by November completely out the window. Instead, I found myself on a deadline,  having our very last nursing session the evening before I left. Ugh. Talk about a gut punch.

Photo by Alexandria Kenyon

Photo by Alexandria Kenyon

This long weekend of relaxation, growth, and inspiration at a boudoir retreat (that I had dreamed of for a year) became something else entirely. I found myself severely engorged and uncomfortable all weekend while experiencing a radical hormone shift that thrust me into the second bout of depression. The only thing good about the boobs…was that I also had plans to have MY boudoir photos taken that weekend (which are the photos seen here). 

The icing on top of this cake was having a massive dispute with a really great friend at the end of the retreat. I spent the bulk of the hour-long Lyft ride back to the airport alone, crying and reliving all the hurtful words that were said. At that moment, I couldn't see how broken she and I both were at that time. We were both in really tough seasons of life, trying to get through it.

Photo by Alexandria Kenyon

For months afterward, I struggled with my depression while grieving a lost friendship. In the past, my struggles with depression have mostly taken the form of anxiety…but this time was different. I found myself unable to focus on anything for long; I was constantly getting side-tracked. While this is rather typical of moms (#mombrain), this was next level.

I had no motivation, my appetite was sparse, I had lost interest in watching my favorite TV shows (which, isn't necessarily a bad thing, but…it wasn't me) and mostly, I found myself unable to be the kind of parent that I wanted to be – that I knew I *could* be. Managing school pick-ups, homework, Tee-ball and feeding my kids all felt so terribly overwhelming. I was always so short-tempered and frustrated and that's not the environment I wanted my kids growing up in. They deserve more. I deserve more. So, I sought out help and devised a plan.

Photo by Alexandria Kenyon

I finally started seeing a psychiatrist to help manage my medication and found a new therapist. Previously, my anti-depressant had been prescribed to me by my OBGYN after a miscarriage, and it was fine for a while, but I knew I'd reached a point where we needed to revisit dosage and see if I was even using the right one. I'm also a firm believer that anti-depressant medication without talk therapy, just isn't as beneficial. I don't love having to rely on medication to help my mood – but, turns out…I do, for now at least.

I also made it a priority to workout regularly by doing Stroller Strides. I love the Elle Woods quote from Legally Blonde, "Exercise creates endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don't kill their husbands." Which is so true! Physical activity has such amazing benefits for your mind and body. Plus, I started losing weight and reshaping my body (which will always make a girl feel better)! Not only did I lose the "baby weight" but I gained the strength to carry my kids around without enduring neck & shoulder pain.

Photo by Alexandria Kenyon

Photo by Alexandria Kenyon

The last bit of "secret sauce" in my GET-YOUR-SHIT-TOGETHER plan, was committing to a healthy bedtime. The last time I shared publicly about my struggles with depression/anxiety, someone that I'd known for years reached out to share her story with me. I'd never know this person struggled, and it felt so comforting to know I'm not alone (and neither are you if you're having a hard time). She told me that the keys to her depression management, were being consistent with her medication and not missing a dose here and there, and sleep! Folks, sleep is HUGE. I think as a society, we tend to be chronically sleep-deprived. When I've not gotten adequate sleep for a few days in a row, it never fails to impact my mood negatively.

Photo by Melissa Rey

Photo by Melissa Rey

As this year comes to an end, and I reflect over the past 12 months, I see how far I've come. I won't say that I'm free of depression and anxiety; they still come in waves from time to time, but I've found ways to cope. I find myself entering this new decade with a lot of optimism

In the end, I'm really thankful to have these photos of myself at one of my lowest (and heaviest) times in life. Sure, having photos of ourselves at the best moments of our life is nice – at your wedding, or after you hit that "goal weight" – but there is also something incredibly healing to have photos of yourself in those darker times too. I look at the woman in these images and see someone in pain. I also see the extra 20 pounds, but instead of hating on that girl, I have empathy for her. I'm able to see her beauty and strength.

Photo by Alexandria Kenyon

For the first time in my life, I feel secure in my own body.

So, here's to 2020 and more self-love!

Photo by Melissa Rey

Are you struggling with similiar and want someone to talk to? I’m by no means an expert on mental health, but I’m here if you want to chat.

Tenth Anniversary Gift | Orange County Boudoir Photographer

“I’m already having the time of my life, and I haven’t even put on a teddy yet!”

- Ms A (during glam/mimosa portion of her photoshoot)

Ms A reached out to me with the intentions of planning a super special gift for her husband for their tenth wedding anniversary (and let me tell you, we created a gift to beat all other future gifts. #sorrynotsorry, future gifts). But what I love the most, is how much of a gift to HER it was. While trying to plan the perfect session, it led her down a path of self discovery and acceptance, and ultimately changed her perception of herself.

That’s the magic in what I do.

When women reach out to me with the goal of creating a gift for a significant other, I always giggle inside a little bit, and then remind them that this is also a gift to THEMSELVES too. It’s just that us women need that “excuse” to do something nice for ourselves.

Let’s hear what Ms A had to say about the experience...

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“This session was a gift for my 10-year wedding anniversary. After ten years of marriage and two kids, I wanted my husband to see me as a strong, sexy woman again (there was no indication he didn't, just my insecurities). Most importantly, I wanted to FEEL sexy again. “

“I really don't like getting my photo taken! It's hard for me to pose seriously for photos without doing something goofy because I never know what to do with my face. I also had reservations about showing my tummy, about which I was very self-conscious.”

“The session itself was much more fun and comfortable than I was expecting, and I felt like an actual model! But the whole process was also different from what I expected... I feel so happy in my own skin again, and accepting of my flaws but also my strengths. I never expected to feel so affected by it all in such a positive way. “

“I loved the weeks leading up to the session where I got to spend some time picking out lingerie and shoes, and also the anticipation of waiting for the photos. But the session itself was so fulfilling that I would have to say it was my favorite. And of course seeing my husband's reaction the first time he saw the photos was also pretty awesome. :) “

“I definitely got emotional seeing myself the way I was hoping: a strong, sexy woman. When I look at the photos now I still have to remind myself that it's actually me. ;) “

“In general, the whole process from start to finish was an unexpected exploration of how I saw myself. I never realized that in my day-to-day life I was focusing so much on my flaws and not embracing my body's beauty. Preparing for this session changed my outlook because I wasn't going to be able to hide in front of the camera. I discovered what I like and dislike, and what lingerie flatters me. During and after the session I truly felt sexy again. I am walking taller and I'm more confident than I have ever been. When I look in the mirror now, I notice my perfections and strengths before my flaws (if I notice them at all).”

“Mandy exceeded any and all expectations. She guided me perfectly throughout the whole process and paid attention to every little detail to make it an amazing experience! From having my favorite music playing when I arrived, to making me feel completely at ease during the session, she made the experience comfortable but so much fun!! “

To any ladies who’ve been considering their own boudoir experience:

“Just do it. Don't wait for "the perfect time." Do this for yourself, you deserve it! Go buy that lingerie, those high heels (or whatever you're into) and take a couple of hours to feel like the sensual goddess you are. It is so incredibly worth it.”

I don’t think there’s much else I need to say. Are you ready to get in touch?

She secretly always wanted to do this || Orange County Boudoir Photographer

One of the things that I believe is an absolute MUST for your boudoir experience, is professional make-up & hair. You're beautiful just as you are, but having someone do your make-up is part of what helps you take on that sexy alter-ego that I know is hiding in each and every one of you. I don't consider this optional, which is why it's built in to all of my sessions. 

When I started my boudoir photography business here in Orange County, CA, I started the search for the perfect make-up artist to compliment the intimate portrait experience that I provide. Someone with a personality kind of like me, and someone I'd like to have a drink with outside work. The "glam" portion of the photoshoot should feel like hanging out with your girlfriends, so if I'm not friends with the make-up artist...then, well, that would just be weird. 

I happened upon Veronica when I was searching for someone with experience working with all skin tones, to accommodate a client at the time. I quickly learned that not only is she an incredible artist, but a down-to-earth, super rad lady. We bonded quickly over our shared love of Game of Thrones. 

Something that I feel passionately about, is that I want all women that work with me to experience a boudoir shoot with me. I want the person who's going to be doing your make-up, to know what she's talking about when she says "you can relax, Mandy will show you exactly what to do." Someone you can relate to you, because she's #beentheredonethat. I also want to do everything I can, to help empower the women around me to be the best damn version of themselves possible.  

If you're looking for an amazing make-up artist in the OC/LA/SD area...I highly recommend Veronica Fensel Make-up Artistry. You can check out Veronica's gallery down below, and hear straight from her what it was like:

"I have watched women get glammed up and pose for boudoir shoots for years, and have secretly have always wondered what it would be like to do one myself!

"Immediately upon leaving the shoot I felt like a sexier beast than when I walked in. I really did feel like a model during the session, and I think Mandy's encouragement during the shoot was the reason I felt that way! Then when I saw my photos, I felt especially beautiful seeing how amazing I looked during a time when I didn't feel so beautiful to begin with.

"I had been feeling down and less confident about my appearance for several months before the shoot. My face was breaking out, and I was at my heaviest weight. I was, however, determined not to let my insecurities stop me from doing something I'd always wanted to do!

"My favorite part of the experience was my improved self image.

"I was blown away when I saw my images! I rarely think I look good in pictures, and while I was expecting to like a few, I didn't expect to love every single one!

"Mandy is one of my absolute favorite photographers to work with as a hair/makeup artist, and as a model! She consistently produces beautiful images and is just a real and positive person who is so fun to hang out with!"

(P.S. I adore working with you too, Veronica.) 

Are you a make-up junkie wondering how she got her look? Veronica has shared all her make-up details with us. 

"For my foundation, I used Mehron Celebre Pro HD creme foundation in order to easily cover my acne scarring and blemishes. It is a full coverage creme, so I used a damp sponge to sheer it out in places that didn't need as much coverage. To cover up under eye darkness, I used MAC Prolongwear Concealer in NW25. The NW range from MAC has pink/peach to orange undertones which is great for correcting and covering blue and purple tones under the eye. Both of these products last a really long time, especially when you use a sponge or powder puff to press in translucent power on top to set it. To add some warmth and definition, I used Nars "Laguna" bronzer using a large flufffy powder brush around the perimeters of the face. On the cheeks I applied Nars "Orgasm" blush to brighten up my complexion. 

On my eyes, I used shadows from the Lorac Pro 2 Palette. From the palette, I used the color 'Nectar' in the crease as a transition color, and then blended inwards with 'Plum' and 'Cool Gray'. For a pop of shimmer on the lid, I used the colors 'Chrome' and 'Silver'. I lined the eyes with black gel liner from Inglot, and applied false lashes from the Coquette Cosmetics in the style, 'Leanna'. These lashes are super fluffy and full! Then, in order to make my lips pop on camera, I first filled in my lips with MAC lip pencil in 'Soar; and went over top with MAC lipstick in "Please Me". 

I set everything with Mario Badescu Rosewater spray to help meld the powders and creams together, and to give the skin a more natural glowing finish."

"Going outside your comfort zone and seeing positive results is so rewarding! If you've always wanted to try something like this, but are more on the introverted side like me, Mandy is the perfect relate-able and comfortable person to shoot with!!"

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It's true...I'm a bit of an introvert myself. I like having one-on-one conversations with people, and get terribly shy in a crowd (unless I have a camera in my hand). This is all part of why I love intimate portraiture, and why I'm so passionate about what I do. Connecting with people and helping them step outside of their comfort zone for an empowering experience adds so much fulfillment to my life. 

Are you one of those who's secretly always wondered what it would be like to have your own boudoir photoshoot? What are you waiting for? I'll help you through the whole thing and show you an incredible side of yourself that you may not knew existed. Let's start with a phone call to break the ice! 

Boudoir in the Bluegrass :: Fall 2016 :: Lexington, KY

Mandy Merino Photography is bringing luxury intimate portraiture back to the Bluegrass this fall for a boudoir & beauty photoshoot marathon event. A limited number of sessions are being offered, and will be taking place in Lexington, Kentucky. 

Thursday, 10/13/16
12:00pm - BOOKED
3:00pm - BOOKED

Friday, 10/14/16
12:00pm - available
3:00pm - BOOKED

The session fee ($350) covers your complete boudoir photoshoot experience. This includes one-on-one wardrobe and styling coaching to prepare for your shoot, professional on-location hair & make-up the day of your shoot, a 90 minute photoshoot with Mandy, 3-4 wardrobe changes, retouching on all final images and a live virtual photo viewing session. No products or images are included in the session fee. 

Albums, heirloom boxes, wall art and digital files are available for purchase separately during your viewing session. Get in touch and we'll set-up a time for a call to go over all the specifics.

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I love photographing all types of women, but I have to confess...it's even more fun when with friends! SO. MUCH. LAUGHTER. Seriously the best. Here are some of the highlights from the Spring Boudoir in the Bluegrass event. Catching up with old friends, and making new ones! 

"It was so much fun! I was really worried and scared for about 1 minute then Mandy started doing what she does and we had a blast!"

"I about backed out! I felt overwhelmed when I was trying to find things to wear. I am not a lacy kind of girl... I'm more of a sports bra, yoga pant kind of girl lol. I talked to Mandy about it and she gave me some great ideas that would fit my personality and made me feel so comfortable and confident about the entire process."

"This is an experience I will never forget. I will never forget how nervous I was, how much I laughed during, and how much I loved my photographs. Just do it, that's my best advice. Push to the side any apprehensions you may have because how often as busy women, moms, wives, girlfriends do we forget to indulge us? This is a treat that will never go out of style."

Wanna be the first to know when upcoming events are announced? Sign up for our newsletter to receive exclusive Kentucky session details. 

Her Heart Melted :: Central Kentucky Boudoir Photographer

Like myself and so many other women, this beauty right here called me up wanting to book a shoot because she was struggling with self-confidence.

All that we endure as women can really leave a girl feeling depleted. Most of the time, we're putting the needs of others ahead of our own and rarely taking time out all for ourselves...especially for things like feeling pretty. It may not seem like that big of a deal, but when a girl doesn’t feel beautiful, then she’s living life missing a huge source of confidence. I believe that ALL women are beautiful and carry a unique spirit that makes them special. When we’re able to realize that, and see ourselves as the beautiful badasses that we are – the world better lookout. That woman is unstoppable.

I want to be that woman. I want YOU to be that woman. I love empowering women to be the best damn version of themselves that they can be, with the power of intimate portraiture.

This session started as an anniversary gift to her husband. In the end, she gained a whole new perspective of herself.

"Viewing my photos...my heart melted. I could not believe how amazing I looked."

Was the session different from what you expected?

"Yes it was. I thought I would be a little more nervous but honestly I was so much more comfortable. I felt like I was with an old friend"

To those of you considering a shoot for yourself...

"Do it. You will feel so good about yourself through the whole process. It will show you that you are so much more than what you see yourself as." 

Ready to find out more about a shoot all for yourself? Get in touch! 

This session was shot at the Spring 2016 Boudoir in the Bluegrass event, in Stanford Kentucky. Mandy Merino Photography offers limited Lexington & Central Kentucky boudoir photography sessions once or twice a year.